


What I Feel

by thatmavin



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1765047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatmavin/pseuds/thatmavin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The orangey sun was settling amongst the water and Michael wished he could do the same. When the world became to heavy to carry on his shoulders, he wished he could dive into the water to find peace, and rise from it again when he wanted to.</p><p>But, his peace was Gavin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello!
> 
> So, long notes today. The reason why all of the speech is in bold, is because that is how Michael hears it. All of the words are heavy, bolder to him. The text is formatted kind of choppy and broken apart because again, we're pretty much in Michael's head. The way things are to Michael. Sorry if it's awkward to read, but that's kind of the point. Feel free to yell at me.
> 
> This one is kinda dark, huh? But it's very personal to me. My emotions aren't really like this, but they kind of are in a way. I had kind of a rough day yesterday and this came to me. I'm sorry if my tags are incorrect. If I need to add any tags let me know? (like warnings or something) Please? <3 
> 
> If anyone feels this way (is having a 'bad day'), or needs someone to talk to, I'm happy to always chat with you guys. 
> 
> My email is: thatmavin@gmail.com and my Kik is: thatmavin 
> 
> EVERYTHING IS THATMAVIN.....ahem <3
> 
> Anyway, I love you guys and hope you all are doing well. I love you guys ok? I said it twice because I mean it :)
> 
> And As Always,  
> Thanks for reading!  
> ~ThatMavin

There are a million different scientific or ‘correct ways’ to describe Michael’s mental and emotional state. But, none of them were easy to explain and Michael didn’t feel comfortable enough saying them. The best way to explain it, and the way he explained it to Gavin was: 

**"Sometimes Gav, I have good days…like really good. And…sometimes I have bad days…really bad."**

Gavin didn’t understand then, and he still doesn’t understand completely now. But, he knows how to help Michael when he needs it.  Michael was afraid that Gavin would deem being in a relationship with…someone like him as ‘too much work’ and leave… _like fucking everyone else_. But, when Michael told Gavin about his ‘issues’ as doctors called them…Gavin only said one thing: 

**"So, is today a good day or a bad day?"**

Michael simply wrapped his arms around Gavin’s neck and began to cry. Hard, violent, wetting Gavin’s neck and shirt with tears, drool, and snot. Gavin didn’t mind, and Michael was so grateful. Someone had broken the dam inside him and didn’t fucking  **leave**. He could barely bring oxygen into his lungs. 

_____________________________

 

Luckily, with Michael, good days came more frequently than bad ones. The pair would wake up, limbs tangled, morning sun in their hair. Michael almost always slept with his face pressed into Gavin’s back. He felt the safest there. 

Gavin usually woke up first, leaving Michael to use the bathroom, then he’d return and lay down, petting Michael’s hair until the older male woke up. Seeing Gavin’s face first thing in the morning made Michael happy, sometimes he’d cry. Gavin would stare into his eyes either way wondering…how on Earth could someone see such a beautiful fragile person and hurt him like the others had? 

After waking, they’d rise out of bed and brush their teeth and wash their faces, together of course. 

Then breakfast, which Gavin prepared usually. Only because he was better at it. They eat while watching cartoons or sitting on the balcony of their apartment, watching the people below scurry to work.

The rest of the day was spent between video games, work, more video games, and sometimes going out to do something fun. 

The evening was spent with another meal, usually a good hour or two of cuddling, showering together or alone, and then bed. 

Bed could mean either sleep or sex, or one then the other. 

Michael liked sex, he liked it a lot. Gavin had been more skilled than the other at first. But, taking things slowly the first few times let Michael get used to the touches. The first time, Michael worried about what Gavin thought the entire time, which is normal. But, Michael  _really_  worried. He worried that if Gavin thought he wasn’t any good at sex, that he’d leave. The thoughts would make his body begin to shake and Gavin would stop what he was doing. 

 **"Michael."**  Gavin ran his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. 

 **"Are…are you — are you ok? Is this ok? Am I ok? I don’t know if I’m ok."** Michael’s words quivered with his body and tears stung his eyes.  **"I’m sorry, I’m sorry."**

 **"You’re fine, this is fine. I’m so happy to be with you, Michael."** Gavin smiled, Michael felt it against his lips. 

 **"I’m sorry."** Michael kissed Gavin back hard, trying to catch his breath. 

**"Do you want stop?"**

**"Please, no. No."**  Michael shook his head. **"Don't stop."**  

Gavin continued gently and Michael clawed at Gavin’s skin, desperately trying to merge their bodies into one. He wanted to be one with Gavin, a single being that could constantly be in and around each other. No way to separate so he could always feel Gavin next to him. 

When they’d finish, Michael wouldn’t want to let Gavin go. He’d hold him tightly, and follow closely behind him should he get up from bed. 

Michael couldn’t understand why Gavin wasn’t ready to leave or annoyed with him, but he was glad he wasn’t. Michael knew without Gavin he’d fall apart. He wondered if Gavin knew that too, which is why he didn’t leave. Because he was in too deep and it was too late to turn back. 

But, it was when Gavin looked at him, smiled at him…he knew that there was love. Gavin wouldn’t ever leave, ever. 

 

Gavin loved the good days, so did Michael. He felt invincible.

 

_____________________________

 

Gavin remembered when he'd first tried to say the  _three words_. Michael shook his head, set down his plate on the counter and stared Gavin directly in the eyes and said: 

 **"Don’t fucking say that to me unless you mean it."** Michael glared at Gavin. 

**"Michael, I do-"**

**"Listen to me."** Michael cut him off.  **"Gavin, I’m unstable…and sometimes…I go away for a little while."**

**"Where?"**

**"I disappear deep inside myself, I get lost…and trapped. Sometimes it takes a while to come back out. But, when I know that coming back means I get to be with you again…I come back faster."**

**"I don’t-"**

**"I know you don’t understand…I don’t either."** Michael had tears in his eyes.  **"But just, please don’t tell me that you love me if you’re not ready to love all of me. Even the me that I am when I go away…just pleast don’t do this to me."**

Michael’s legs feel like jello, and his stomach feels like it’s ready to force its contents up and out of his mouth. Michael avoided Gavin’s eyes, afraid of the stare the Brit might be giving him. But he heard feet moving, was Gavin walking away?

**"I love you."**

Michael heard as he was enclosed in warmth. Gavin’s body was solid, it was real, and it was holding him. Michael felt horrible, crying so often, being in constant need of reassurance. But, every time he needed it, Gavin gave it to him. 

 **"I love you, too!"** Michael breathed, jumping up, wrapping his legs around Gavin’s waist. 

That was a good day, too.

_____________________________

Still, though they weren’t frequent, there were bad days. 

Gavin wasn’t going to lie, the bad days hurt. But, he knew his Michael was still there. The silent lost Michael and the happy cuddly one, they were one in the same. Gavin loved them both, but damn…the bad days sucked.

Bad days usually start the night before. Michael doesn’t want Gavin touching him while he slept. The redhead turned away from him and stayed that way through the night. Gavin squeezed his eyes shut until he willed himself to sleep without the touch of his boyfriend.

In the morning, breakfast is silent. Gavin notices Michael distancing himself. During their morning cartoons, Michael wouldn’t take his eyes from the screen to look at Gavin. 

Lack of eye contact. Next, the silence. 

Then…the ‘outbursts’ as Michael’s therapist from long ago called them. ‘A sudden uncontrollable wave of emotions’ said another.

Michael would begin shaking. It usually began in his hands. He could hear Gavin saying his name, but it sounded a million miles a way, at the bottom of the ocean.

Gavin’s hands on his skin felt like fire and Michael would shove his hands away. With a hurt look on his face, Gavin would back away. His green eyes suddenly distant. The distance, the hurt expression, it only made Michael shake harder, the tremors reaching other places on his body. 

 

**_"Gavin, Gavin…I’m sorry."_ **

****

Michael said, but not aloud. He couldn’t force the words out of his body and that was always the final straw. Michael would get up and leave. He would leave the apartment, walk or drive until he stopped shaking. When he would finally look at his phone, he’d see messages from Gavin. A bunch of missed calls, text messages and a handful of voicemails. Michael  read the texts.

**Gavin: Michael?**

**Gavin: Michael, where are you?**

**Gavin: Are you ok?**

**Gavin: I miss you**

**Gavin: I hate when you do this.**

**Gavin: Please be ok…**

**Gavin: Should I call someone?**

**Gavin: I’m making your favourite food**

**Gavin: Come home before it gets cold**

**Gavin: Fine, I’ll eat all of it**

**Gaivn: I am so scared**

**Gavin: Michael…?**

**Gavin: Sometimes, I wonder why I didn’t listen to everyone else. When they’d ask me why I gave all of my time to someone like you. Why I spend my life taking care of someone who can’t take care of me. And I think about it a lot actually. If you want to know why I do it, call me when you get this.**

Michael was standing at the lake, staring out at the large body of water. The orangey sun was settling amongst the water and Michael wished he could do the same. When the world became to heavy to carry on his shoulders, he wished he could dive into the water to find peace, and rise from it again when he wanted to. But, his peace was Gavin, and he needed to call him. To tell him that he was ok, and find out why Gavin put up with someone like him. With a few taps of his thumb against the screen, he was calling Gavin. The phone rang once before being picked up. 

 **"Michael!"**  Gavin chriped into the phone. 

**"Why?"**

**"Huh?"**  Gavin was caught off guard by the unprompted question. 

 **"Why do you — tolerate…"**  Michael voice caught in his throat. 

 **"Come home, please?"**  Gavin’s voice cracked. 

 **"Tell me why you fucking put up with a whiny, stupid asshole like me. I can’t fucking stand myself. How the hell do you do it? Gavin…"**  Michael breathed.  **"You are beautiful, perfect, and so so so fucking patient with me."**

**"Michael-"**

**"How did I get someone like you?"**

**"By being yourself."** Gavin answered.  **"Michael, I fell in love with you. All of you. The sound I love the best is your heartbeat, just knowing that you exist comforts me."** Gavin paused.  **"People always ask me if it’s possible that you can take care of me, and you do. I don’t understand why they ask. Isn’t that how relationships work? Two people taking care of each other?"**

**"I don’t take care of you. I throw all of my problems on you. I’m fucking drowning you, Gavin."**

**"You take care of me every day, Michael."** Gavin nodded, though Michael couldn’t see it.  **"Just because my emotions aren’t as strong or sporadic as yours, doesn’t mean that I don’t cling to you when I have a hard time."**

**"Me?"**

**"Michael, I love you. Love isn’t about being perfect at all. Do you bloody hear me? I love you because I see you."**

**"What do you mean?"**

**"Even when the shadows cover you beautiful damn face, I see you. I see you even when you’re lost without signs of coming back to me. I see you. I see you, every time. And every time, you’re the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen. You’re the only one I want by my side, because I know that if one day…if I fall apart, and join you broken in the ways that you are…we’ll be able to pull together enough peieces and be all together again."**

There was silence, but then Michael began laughing. With the laughter, Gavin knew Michael had come back to him.

**"Sounds cheesy."**

**"Come home."**  Gavin responded. 

**"Ok."**

**"I love you."**

**"I’m on my way."**

**"I love you."**

**"I love you, too."**

**"I love you."**

**"I love you, too."** Michael held the phone to his ear as he climbed back into the car. Hearing the sound of the engine roar to life, Gavin finally exhaled. 

**"Come home."**

**"Always."**

_____________________________

Gavin stood at the door, waiting. He didn’t know how far away Michael had gotten, but he stood at the door. What felt like five minutes, was actually nearly an hour. But, even five minutes wouldn’t have been soon enough. When he heard feet bounding up the stairs, he knew who they belonged to. A grin spread across his face and he opened his arms ready for Michael. 

When the door opened, Gavin gave a squee of excitement. 

 **"Gavin!”** Michael jumped onto him. 

 **"Michael!"**  Gavin held him close.  **"Michael, my boy!"**

 **"I’m so sorry."** Michael hid his face in Gavin’s neck. 

 **"You’re home!"**  Gavin spun him in a circle. The silence returned as they took time to breathe each other in. 

Just as the bad days begin at the end of a good day, the good days begin at the end of the bad days. 

Gavin sits with Michael, watching as he eats the cold food that Gavin had prepared in his absence. Gavin constantly offers to heat up the food for him, but Michael tells him to ‘shut up’ as he shovels the food into his cute face. Gavin sighs and rolls his eyes. 

**"Michael Jones, you are endless."**

**"What does that mean?"**  Michael asks as Gavin reaches up to wipe food from his face. The grooming hand turns into a gentle cup against his cheek. 

 **"It means I love you."**  Gavin says, Michael can’t think of anything to say, so he simply grins. The kind of grin that children wear when they’ve been told that they’ve done a good job. His eyes light up like stars and his grin grows broad. 

Michael states that he’d rather shower alone tonight, so Gavin nods, and leaves to make himself tea. While the kettle brews, Gavin tosses a towel into the dryer on low and stands there, listening to it hum as Michael showers up. Eventually, the tea is ready and Gavin sips it as he waits. 

When Michael comes out of the shower nude and asking where his towel has gone, Gavin opens up the dryer, gifting his boyfriend the warm towel. Michael’s eyes widen and he gives a cry of surprise and he quickly wraps himself in it, purring at the soft warmth. Gavin is honestly the best boyfriend on the planet. 

 **"Bed?"**  Gavin asks.

**"Yes."**

Michael trots to their room, throwing himself into the clean sheets. Gavin turns off the light and he crawls into bed. Because Michael has burritoed himself into the towel, he can’t hold onto Gavin, but he still pressing his face into his boyfriend's back like always and sighs happily. 

 **"I wonder if tomorrow will be a good day or a bad day."**  Gavin thinks aloud as Michael tangles their legs. 

**"Will you still be here either way?"**

**"Of course, you donut."**  Gavin yawns and closes his eyes. Michael worms one hand free of the towel and laces his fingers with Gavin’s. Placing a kiss to Gavin’s slender spine, Michael hums. 

 

**"You have no idea what I feel."**


End file.
